Ten Things I'd Like to See at This Year's Tony Awards

1.) Neil Patrick Harris dressed in a Spider-Man costume. Yes, Spider-Man jokes are so last year. I just want to see him in red spandex.

2.) The onstage bar from Once in operation for the entire ceremony. Having a few drunk acceptance speeches would enliven the evening.

3.) Speaking of Once, I'd like to see them perform a song that isn't “Falling Slowly.” I know this won't happen, since “Falling Slowly” is the best-known song from the film and a pretty darn good piece, but there's something to be said for variety.

4.) A performance by Peter and the Starcatchers. Something. Anything. Plays always tend to get shortchanged on the live performance score, but I'd hate to see this one relegated to a short film clip while the stage gets reset.

5.) The revelation that Carol Channing has been portrayed by an android for the last five years.

6.) A group of Frank Wildhorn fans storming the stage and holding the ceremony hostage until Bonnie and Clyde is given the Best Score award (because the only reason Wildhorn's never won a Tony is because of bias among the voters, and not because he's been up against much better composers).

7.) Followed by a group of Sondheim fans storming the stage and holding the ceremony hostage until Follies is given the Best Musical Revival award (because the only reason it hasn't won a best musical Tony is because it's an underappreciated show, not because it's an overrated one).

8.) Andrew Lloyd Webber suffering a minor apoplexy as he tries to declare that Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita are simultaneously both his absolute best score, and that their current revivals are the best production of any of his works that he's ever seen.

9.) Joel Grey cluing us in on the medications, diet, ancient Chinese remedies, and/or pacts with demonic forces that keep him going strong at his age.

10.) Someone breaking into immature giggles over the title of the play Cock.